AGARTA CAVE -- The 10,000 B.C. Agarta-Kintuk Art Biennial, popularly known simply as Art Agarta, in many respects presented an interesting departure from previous biennials. Unlike the 10,004 and 10,002 shows, which were held entirely inside caves, Agarta 10,000 was held partly out of doors, in the open air of the beautiful Durnur hills, with only about a third of the exhibits inside spacious Agarta Cave itself.
"We are entering a new millennium," declared Murklik-Tashgurk, president of the Agarta-Kintuk Art Biennial International Committee, during his opening remarks. "As we are all aware, the long Ice Age is finally coming to an end, the world is growing warmer, and the progressive lifestyles of the future will take place increasingly outdoors. Art Agarta demonstrates its forward-thinking approach this year by hosting the first-ever art biennial not entirely confined to the caverns."
Indeed, ultramodern fields such as architecture, agriculture, and organized warfare were represented in works by a number of this year's artists. "The Paleolithic is so 10,001," stated avant-garde sculptor Rocroc, whose new work Petrified Horseshit, described as a work of "found art", garnered a great deal of attention at this year's event. "The art world doesn't revolve around Lascaux anymore. I mean, you've got these conservative judges who think that if it's not a cave painting of a large mammal, it can't be art. Well, you know what, they need to catch up with the 10th millennium."
One aspect of the biennial remained little changed from previous years, however. The extravagance of the art collecting elite was on full display on opening night, with many women spotted wearing the exotic furs of luxury fashion designer Turlip-Shamshash and precious gems from the Surkul-Noomvin mines. Some saw this as more evidence of the increasing dominance of the art world by the uber-rich.
"Look, I like to make a living as much as the next guy," said sculptor Krikrik-Bontish. "But honestly, these fat cat buyers wouldn't know really interesting or important work if it clawed them in the face. They always go for the latest, most faddish or shocking thing. And, quite frankly, I think that represents a threat to the integrity of contemporary artists and their work, since in order to survive many of us feel pressured to cater to these [buyers'] shallow bourgeois tastes. My work doesn't fetch the highest prices anymore--statuettes of extremely rotund women aren't considered trendy these days--but I won't let the whims of the buyers dictate my art. Some of us still believe in beauty."
Others aimed their criticism at some of the artists. The controversial iconoclast Xixax, known for his elaborately plumed outfits, sparkly jewels, and charcoal-smeared eyelids, was particularly skeptical about the merit of Rocroc's work. "Look, darling, I'm all for experimentation, but I've got to say that if Petrified Horseshit is the future of art, just kill me now. Can we say boring? Also, to be quite honest, I think he's a total fake. There's no way anyone can prove that's an actual piece of petrified horseshit. If you ask me, it's just some ugly rock he found gods only know where. I mean, let me put it this way, honey: the only shit I'm seeing over there is bullshit."
Another sculptor, Lilim-Varna, however, saw progress in the art world. "It's really encouraging," she said, "to see more women artists represented at the biennial this year. I like to think this means that the domination of the art world by men will soon be a thing of the past."
One surprise feature at Art Agarta this year was the performance art collective Roaritania, who traveled from a desert kingdom that is said to lie beyond the southern sea. Their appearance alone made quite an impression on this Ice Age European crowd, most of whom, it is fair to say, had never seen anyone whose skin was not a blindingly pallid shade of white.
"I think it's great," said abstract painter Lorry-Penkaza, "that the Committee is working toward greater diversity and representation. It's important for all of us to be aware that there is a world beyond the glaciers."
One young attendee, identified only as Ug, summed up his experience at the show this way: "I'm excited because I've always wanted to be an artist but my parents always say there's no money in it, you'll never be able to support yourself, blah blah blah. But now, seeing how much Petrified Horseshit sold for, I think there's hope."
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